the paradox of vulnerability

Most of us don't like uncertainty. We do a lot to try to make things 'certain', attempting to gain some control over a particular outcome, relationship, or habit.  Living with uncertainty seems to conjure up fears - I'm vulnerable, this isn't safe. Our vivid imaginations can build up some pretty drastic assumptions and beliefs about where this uncertainty is bound to lead us.

In fact there is a case for sharing our vulnerability - in appropriate contexts - actually helping us. Exposing our vulnerability can lead to stronger connections and thus increase our sense of safety and protection. Interesting paradox...especially for leaders and colleagues looking for ways to work better, more effectively, together. Discernment plays a key role as to what and when and with whom one shares his or her questions, fears, and wishes.

In this TED talk, Dr. Brené Brown talks about her research on Wholeheartedness and Connection.  Here are some of the highlights that jumped out for me:

• Role of connection - gives us purpose and meaning
• Vulnerability - is about allowing ourselves to be seen; the birth place of wholeheartedness
• Vulnerability is a crucial, central element in leading our lives, leading others
• Vulnerability is the element that helps us navigate between shame and empathy - two opposing ends of a continuum
• Defining shame vs guilt: 
• Shame - 'I am bad'; not a useful motivator
• Guilt - "I did a bad thing", something that doesn't fit my own code; could be a useful motivator 

• We can't selectively numb our emotions; if we numb what we don't like we will also numb those we desire, like joy

When I think back to my own experiences, I find several stories of when I allowed my vulnerability to show and I gained strength and perspective to help me move forward. The energy I was using to hide what was really going on for me was able to be directed to finding new ways. I was able to accept offers of help in whatever form they came. I was more open to connecting with others as well as to my true self. 

I have also observed this happening with folks that I work with. As each person takes baby steps to reveal their vulnerability their colleagues are reminded of the person's - and their own - humanity. This experience often makes all the difference in a team moving forward with energy and passion.

Yes there may be moments when our discernment was off and we didn't get the response we hoped for. These are the risks inherent in learning how to connect, lead, be better together. Chalk it up to learning. 

Does any of this resonate with you in your life as a leader, an employee, a colleague, or perhaps as a parent? What are the conditions that help you discern when it is appropriate to step into your vulnerability?

Linda

fighting fair

Well Revenue Quebec is certainly testing my commitment to trusting the process and going with the flow these days. I received another letter claiming I haven't paid them adequately enough for several past taxation years. Huh?!?

The last letter I received a month or so ago, claiming I'd not paid my 2009 taxes in full, we were able to prove their error. Before that, back in April, an audit of 2006 turned up an expense that was deemed unacceptable, resulting in me paying the difference now. My attempt to defend the expense, already seen as appropriate by the professional bookkeeper and accountant I hire to help me interpret these things, only resulted in an extra interest charge of $170 for the delay. I don't get it!

No business person knows it all. I feel I am doing my fair share of due diligence in hiring professional and respected folks to decipher the rules in area's that are not my expertise. Mistakes happen - we are all human - but let's fight fair. Allow time to review the different perspectives and interpretations, to clarify any rules that are ambiguous - without penalizing the small business person in that process.

I'm thinking it may be time to speak out, take this to my MPP or some form of ombudsman for the small business person. I've seen research that suggests that the small and medium businesses are an important part of our Canadian economy. I believe in accountability and oversight...but it should work both ways. Let's not have policies that work at cross purposes: some designed to create a supportive and nurturing environment while others erode and destroy.

Not quite sure what the lesson is for me in this experience yet. Perhaps it's about finding different ways to fight for my rights and beliefs even in the face of what feels like a formidable power. All suggestions on how to proceed most welcomed!