another layer

The sound of my typing blends with the sound of my floor being ripped up.

What a journey the past two weeks have been! Though there are still many unknown's and a number of fears, I am feeling better - compared to Monday.

Monday the worker didn't show up. Monday I couldn't get a hold of him to find out why. Monday all the stress came crashing down on my head and weighed very heavy.  How could I have been so proud of myself regarding how I was handling things and now suddenly I find it all too much?

After some pondering, some paddling, some sleep...I've got a hunch as to what might be going on. Clearly we're dealing with different layers and time lines when we're dealing with loss and grief.

When my brother died I think I went into logistic mode. There's so much to do, including supporting family members and his friends. I felt strange but not like how I would have imagined I'd feel at such a huge loss. It seemed buried or far away some how. Seven months later (last weekend) I'm in Toronto and suddenly I feel a wave of sadness. It hit me with no warning:

This was Peter's city.
        I'll never see him again here.
                 I'll never see him again period.
 
A similar pattern seems to be showing up with this sudden unexpected (nor desired) renovation. You keep it together in order to get what needs to be done, done. Contacting and meeting with the various people who can advise you, choosing the various folks to do the work, figuring out how the heck you're going to pay for it, and packing and moving and asking for help to get all your stuff out of the way. That's what I had control over.

Now that that part is done...it's out of my hands to a large extent. I have to let go. I have to trust the people to come and do what they said they would. When they don't, or when it changes from what I understood, I suddenly feel all the stuffed down feelings that go with this whole change - overwhelmed, frustrated, scared - anything but strong.

Like another layer of grieving.

What helped me through that period? Sleep for sure. Let's not underestimate the power of rest. Reminding myself to breathe, big, deep, belly breaths. And I think the biggest thing for me was expressing those raw feelings. First privately through uncensored journal writing, then to an empathetic ear or two. And allowing the tears and the anger to show too. All these things helped me find my balance again.

So here's what I want to remember when attempting to live aligned through a tough time:

• Acknowledge that there will be layers and various depths. 
• Listen to your body. 
• Feel what you feel. 
• Ask for and accept support.

What about you? Anything you want to add that has helped you in your experiences?

the novel of novels

I'm reading novels again. It is an absolute joy to be returning to this simple pleasure. Especially while gently rocking in the hammock, feeling the light breeze, occasionally glancing out at the trees

I gave up the habit a long time ago when I noticed I couldn't put novels down to attend to the other things in my life. Played a lot of Russian Roulette. I began to reserve fictional reading to holiday time...and before long that dwindled too.

For the past few months, perhaps stimulated by my shifts at our local library, I have been diving in again. I love how it can restore my energy after a spout of doing or giving. Though I can still get caught up in a story such that I forget the rest of the world, I think I'm a bit more balanced now.  (Perhaps because I'm giving myself permission to?)  Instead of feeling guilty I savour the experience, sink into it wholeheartedly.

As someone with a dream to share her own words, thoughts, stories...this simple pleasure also serves as a support mechanism. My delight in reading is a reminder of how words and perspectives can uplift, provoke, comfort and inspire. May this realization be one more step towards my own written work...however that may manifest itself.

What pleasure are you avoiding? How does denying yourself this experience affect you? What would happen if you gave yourself permission to try it again?

roller coasters and rock walls

My beautiful rock wall, built by a friend, draped in flox given as gifts, held together by weeds and wild flowers...a metaphor for life ?

 

Despite beautiful weather day after day, despite the luscious rain last night that gave the gardens a deep drink,  despite fun community projects, despite creative work - despite all this - my world continues to go up and down. In a good place one minute, not so much the next.

Such is perhaps how it is. Or a reality of being in my fifties. Or perhaps a piece of the grieving journey. Whatever the case, the trick appears to be to find a way to accept and roll with those waves, one moment at a time.  And to notice what seems to help.

For me there are at least three things that support me getting to a more balanced place:

• writing (the private kind, not this public blogging!), letting my words, emotions, questions flow out unbridled     

• moving my body in some way - be that yoga, walking, swimming, cycling, dancing...just move! 

• telling someone what's happening; being heard helps even if there are no specific answers

This last one appears to be the hardest for me to act on.  Not really sure why.  I know that being heard carries a lot of power (that's why I love what I do, which is primarily listening). As does the act of sharing your (my) vulnerability.  It's the combination of both together that creates a kind of shared power, a linked energy that I believe makes our world go round. It is the birthplace of relationship, of innovation, of our humanness.

I realize I like to listen, to help, to be leaned upon...but that I sometimes find it hard to know how to start a conversation about my own malaise. I convince myself that my friends are too busy or too burdened with their own stresses for me to bother them.  I tend to wait for them to invite me and that doesn't always happen.

But I know that these are just excuses on my part that keep me from reaching out, from being vulnerable, from showing all sides of my own humanness. I've been there for my friends...why wouldn't I want to give that friend an opportunity to be there for me?

Friendships, like flowering rock walls, require balance, including the balance of leaning and being leaned upon. And moments of connection, conversation (a mix of planned and unplanned flowers be they weed or not). And a heap of trust - that together you will negotiate the boundaries required as necessary.

What helps you navigate the waves, negotiate for the support you need?

sustaining a change: check-ins

Some teams tell me they experience a sense of hope and clarity after a retreat or facilitated meeting...and  unfortunately that that hope dies quickly once everyone returns to the day to day operations of their work.

Following through on our commitments once back in the 'white water' can definitely be tough. I too have experienced how hard it is to manage the many competing demands while at the same time trying on some new approaches or ways of being.

Of the groups that do witness progress on their goals and maintain that sense of hope, one of the things I notice is that they schedule a follow up meeting in one to three months time. That meeting is dedicated to connecting and discussing their progress - on both the individual and collective commitments made at the retreat or meeting. Some groups ask that I be at that meeting as well but not always.

I figure this planned check-in does a few things: 

• simply knowing there is going to be one somehow keeps us on our toes and accountable to our commitments
• having an opportunity to notice what's working and what's improved since the retreat or meeting helps to maintain a sense of hope and of progress - and it gives you a reason to celebrate!
• at the same time, a chance to name and share the burden of what's not working allows you to unpack the situation, perhaps reveal information that you weren't aware of before, and brainstorm options for addressing those concerns. This might entail modifying or refining the goal, working through a resource issue, or facing any mis-communications or conflicts that may be contributing.
• asking the external facilitator to be there does a few things:
• sometimes prevents the follow up meeting from getting bumped (and bumped and bumped)
• allows the leader/manager of the group to participate more fully then if he or she was also facilitating the conversation
• potentially have permission to play devils advocate or name any 'elephants in the room' (those un-discussbles)
• brings an outside perspective that is linked to the earlier retreat process; that person can remind the individuals and the group of their principles and their strengths, something we can forget or take for granted

The point is regular, scheduled communication can help maintain the energy and hope so necessary to move forward on any change initiative. Like flying an airplane, feedback and small course correction's along the way tend to be a more efficient and productive way to get to where you want to go than a big correction further down the line. Sure better than trying to pull out of a metaphorical nose dive!

procrastination offerings

I understand and have come to appreciate to some extent my procrastination tendencies around writing. I have learned to accept that "Procrastination's" purpose is to help me clarify who I'm writing for, ponder what I want to say and define what the best entry point and tone might be. I have 'reframed' procrastination as an important and necessary time for marinading and mulling over. I trust that it will eventually complete its job, usually with the help of a looming deadline. Built up pressure usually works too. 

What I don't understand is why I would procrastinate playing with a new toy?

Last week I happily purchased some simple home recording equipment. I was delighted by the idea of having a device to support and expand my own song and sound creation. All week long new idea's kept popping up around how this new acquisition was going to open doors for me, both personally and professionally. I saw visions of songs I could add my own harmonies to, record improvised moments at afternoon jams, create audio tapes of guided visualizations and visioning exercises for clients. I saw the ease in which I could share and collaborate with others by a simple click of the mouse.

Imagining all of this has been quite exciting and, I now realize, extremely daunting!

My penchant for visioning possibilities has also set up an equally large balloon of overwhelming expectations. I'd say I'm stuck (procrastinating) because my emotions are more aware of the fear that accompanies those expectations than the joys. I can see that I'm afraid of failure, of not being able to adequately learn how to use the tool to manifest those visions. I'm guessing that some part of me is protecting me from that fear - by keeping the dang thing in the box!

The trick is to balance the motivation that imagining the possibilities offers with baby steps that our hesitation teaches us we need to address in order to get where we want to go.

One of those baby steps is to get find the appropriate support. In this case it's time to call a knowledgeable friend to hold my hand when I do open up the box. And to set a date for this to happen (read: deadline). Then I can to begin to actually sow the seeds for those possibilities to have a chance to bloom!

Are you procrastinating something these days? How is it serving you?

back bends

Last Sunday I experienced - consciously - the power of my own thoughts and the role of support.

Our yoga instructor had us doing a back bend with the support of a partner. We were to hold onto their ankles as we pushed our pelvis up to the sky and the top of our heads back onto the mat.

I could feel my excuses rising up as I debated whether or not I would participate. All those years as a child (and adult for that matter) wishing I could master a cartwheel came to mind. "I just don't have the body type for this. I'm not strong or flexible enough. I will look silly (read: fail)."

Then my eyes caught those of my neighbour. We both looked skeptical but sheepishly willing to give it a try. It helped that she wasn't nonchalant about it, that this would be a stretch for her too. It would be alright if either of us didn't manage it...really what was the big deal? With that I decided to change  my internal dialogue too. Instead of 'I can't' my mantra became 'I can do this. I can do this!' And to my surprise and delight, I did!

The next day I was able to do it again - if only for a few seconds - by myself at home. I'd broken the 'I can't' spell on this one! It made me wonder, where else in my life I might want to try breaking it? Home recording popped up instantly.

I've long held a vision of recording my songs, of playing with different beats and harmonies. My few attempts in the past were always aborted relatively quickly. Daunted at the sight and confusion of all those buttons and gadgets "I can't learn this" messages would loop in my head and I'd give up.

Today, propelled by a new song I want to record, and a few other half written ones that I long to finish, my decision (commitment) now has me developing my strategies to forge forward.  I re-discovered a book on my shelf that explains fairly clearly the different devices and the ways they interconnect. I took stock of all the equipment I've assembled over the years. I spent time on the internet researching various products, reading their descriptions, noting my questions. I plan on heading to several music stores to hear what they have to say.  I've written to a few musically minded friends to ask for their advise and guidance.

This time I'm determined to learn, to get past my mental barriers. This time I'm approaching it with a smile and a determined "I can do this!" attitude instead of exasperation. I'm motivated, I'm finding different avenues of support, and I believe I can!

What thought or belief would help you move closer to your dreams? What support do you need to begin?

courage and vulnerability

Here I am, my last day in lovely Nova Scotia. Thought I'd try to get this post off before I get on the plane.

I've met some courageous folks this week, each on their own journey to a life that pleases and fulfills them. Each person I met is in the process of living a major transition in their life: changes that include letting go of a relationship, leaving home, joining a support program, or selling a business*.

Whatever transition we're in, it can often include some lost, lonely and scary moments for most of us - even when they are changes we choose!  The appropriate support can make all the difference in these moments. What I seem to be noticing this week is that support can be plentiful and right in arms reach but unless we're willing to accept it, we aren't likely to perceive it let alone reap the full range of benefits offered.  In order to seek, see and receive that support it seems to me that we need to allow ourselves to be both vulnerable and courageous. 

What helps us dance that delicate line between the two? How do we trust enough - both ourselves and the support offered - to let go and let come? For many of the folks I met this week they told me that what helped them was feeling listened to, non-judged, and accepted. I also heard that they themselves were ready for the change...there was personal desire and commitment.

But the crucial thing that seemed to matter the most for many was hearing someone they trusted say that they believed in them.

Being believed in when you've lost, buried or distorted your belief in yourself is a powerful thing. I've experienced that. What I've learned this week is that we could only hear that message (even if cautiously) if it somehow resonated with our wish, our longing, our own belief in ourselves: Yes, I am capable, worth it, lovable ... (an artist!). The other person is simply shining a light, a mirror, an amplifier on something that already exists. Their belief in us comes in through our vulnerability, perhaps a small crack we've allowed in our armour, our defenses. It lets in that bit of light, warmth, and hope that can help us take the next step.

Look around...who or what support could you allow in today? Give yourself the gift of being vulnerable, of courageously accepting the support offered that you know - you feel in your body - is the truth. It is possible to be who you want to be and live the life you want to live.


* By the by, if the life you want is possibly owning a B & B in Nova Scotia, check out: http://www.bbcanada.com/bb_forsale/farmhouseinn

keeping deadlines

I'm at Bridgehead, my office away from home, trying to beat the clock (and the end of my one hour access) to post a post.

I've played with four possibilities so far: resilience, a comment on a TED talk, a reflection on a journal article about social change, and  a commentary on a team process I'm involved with right now. None feel ready to go.

So I'm here simply writing about deadlines...self imposed ones. I want to try to keep to Wednesday's at 5:00 - no real reason other than to have a deadline. I work better with them I've discovered. I had given up ... but with minutes to go I decided that even just this simple post is enough.

What helps you stay committed to whatever you're trying to do in your life? 

(let's see if I'm still connected....)

Keeping Fear At Bay

Here's the situation: after 10 years of successfully helping organizations learn ways to work with change, I've been presented with a big change myself: a huge slow down in work. A blow to the ego as well as the finances. And an enticing invitation for fear to come pay me a visit.

First step: quelling the fear and maintaining my sense of purpose and confidence.

How am I doing that? By continually checking in with the story I'm telling myself and what the facts are. Being open to other perspectives. I try to re-frame the negative stories, finding a way to view them that soften their edges, make them more acceptable to live with. I'm also seeking and accepting different forms of support, not expecting myself to weather it all alone. That's a direct link to my own business maxim: "The appropriate support can make all the difference." It's true!

Up until now my work has primarily come through word of mouth. But as the economy took a nose dive, many clients, both individuals and organizations, are fielding their own challenges. Many believe that limited resources - time, money or people - exempt them from attending to the life blood of their existence, namely you, your people and your sense of shared vision.

Learning; when the chips are down that's when investing in yourself and/or your people is the most sustainable thing to do!

Here's how I've keeping fear at bay:

• reaching out to a few trusted people to let them know what was happening (face vulnerability)
• investing in myself and my business (with time, smart expenditures, and people support)
• took back more direct control over the handling of my day to day financial transactions instead of having someone else monitor it (learning curve here but doable with support)
• created or joined several small groups like The Pulse for learning, networking and support
• continue to invest in myself via connecting with old and new contacts (not resort to pulling in and hiding)
• reviewing my vision and seeing what I need to remember or alter given the new information about myself as well as the environment
• reviewing my beliefs - noticing which are holding me back, which are supporting my growth
  
• continually checking in with that voice in my head and try to find the opportunity, the re-frame
• let go of some things that aren't working (looking some sacred cows in the eyes)
• let go of perfectionism! (eg: letting this blog go without someone else editing it first!)
  
• take some risks (investigating new collaborations, writing blogs)
• make self care a priority: good nutrition, sleep, yoga and exercise (key for me)

My bottom line: I believe that many organizations/people occasionally need the external support that I can provide - and perhaps will need this kind of service even more so in the future. I also believe that I am good at what I do (happily, client feedback says the same). And I believe that change is synonymous with learning. Sometimes that learning is a new skill, sometimes it's working with our internal response.

It all starts and ends with you and your own attitude to your circumstances. What we pay attention to, we get more of. I'm putting my attention on my health, my creativity, my vision, and my support systems.

How are you approaching your challenge?